Cleveland teenager Brian Garruto apparently plays football in a manner of which you can only dream.
He tweeted screen grabs of an email which appear to show that he was banned from an age group league for a string of outlandish offences.
His dismissal from the league is given in the email for no less than 15 reasons in the space of two months, which range from "wearing a natural light tank top as uniform" to "changing jerseys after receiving red card and attempting to play remainder of match".
It reads an inspired, if somewhat unbelievable, guide to poor sportsmanship:
We can only hope that "giving birth to soccer ball after scoring" was a celebration emulating the act.
Some elements of the story are a little hard to believe, much as we want to.
In a subsequent tweet, Garruto said:
I'd like to thank all the loyal fans of the Cleveland Steamers co ed team for supporting me during my season.
If you don't know why that's farfetched, then google it. Oh wait, maybe don't.
To take your mind off it, vote in our poll, below:
i100 has contacted Garruto for comment. We're hoping he explains himself.