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The fifteen most perfect responses of all time

Posted by indy100 reporter in offbeat
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Piers Morgan was left red-faced last week after the zinger to end all zingers was directed his way from John Cleese:

Yowza. In honour of Cleese's pithy genius we've put together some of the wittest, most perfect take downs in history.

If you think you can take the heat, read on:


1. Sparta

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Now that is Sparta.


2. Dorothy Parker

Drunk man: "I can't bear fools."

Dorothy Parker: "Apparently your mother could."

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3. Stephen Hawking

The world's greatest living scientist is also funnier than John Oliver. Who knew?

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4. Mahatma Gandhi

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5.John Wilkes

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The Earl of Sandwich: "Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox."

John Wilkes: "That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress."


6. Abraham Lincoln

Abe Lincoln on being accused of being two-faced by Democrat Stephen Douglas:

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7. Winston Churchill

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George Bernard Shaw: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."

Winston Churchill: "Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."


8. Edna Ferber

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He was asking for that one.


9. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Admirer: "Herr Mozart, I'm thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any suggestions as to how to get started?"

Mozart: "A symphony is a very complex musical form. Perhaps you should begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."

Admirer: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old!"

Mozart: "Yes, but I never asked anybody how."

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10. Elizabeth Taylor

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No, Elizabeth, tell us what you really think.


11. Eminem

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Umm. Eminem probably did just say what he really thinks.


12. J.K. Rowling

The ultimate Twitter troll takedown.


13. Roger Ebert

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Ebert coming to his fellow critic's aid on his take on Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in the best way possible.

Patrick Goldstein: "... a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic."

Rob Schneider: "Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged By His Peers."

Roger Ebert: "As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize... Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr Schneider, your movie sucks."


14. Bill Clinton

Clinton's response when Dan Quayle said he was going to be a "pit bull" in the 1992 American election campaign:

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15. Groucho Marx

Talking to a contestant with 10 children on You Bet Your Life:

Contestant: “I have 10 children, Groucho”.

Marx: “You have 10 children? Why do you have so many kids?”

Contestant: “Because I love my husband”.

Marx: “I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth every once in a while.”

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More: The woman who created Friends has the perfect response to sexism

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