The fifteen most perfect responses of all time

Posted by in offbeat

Piers Morgan was left red-faced last week after the zinger to end all zingers was directed his way from John Cleese:

Yowza. In honour of Cleese's pithy genius we've put together some of the wittest, most perfect take downs in history.

If you think you can take the heat, read on:

1. Sparta


Now that is Sparta.

2. Dorothy Parker

Drunk man: "I can't bear fools."

Dorothy Parker: "Apparently your mother could."


3. Stephen Hawking

The world's greatest living scientist is also funnier than John Oliver. Who knew?


4. Mahatma Gandhi


5.John Wilkes


The Earl of Sandwich: "Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox."

John Wilkes: "That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress."

6. Abraham Lincoln

Abe Lincoln on being accused of being two-faced by Democrat Stephen Douglas:


7. Winston Churchill


George Bernard Shaw: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."

Winston Churchill: "Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."

8. Edna Ferber


He was asking for that one.

9. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Admirer: "Herr Mozart, I'm thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any suggestions as to how to get started?"

Mozart: "A symphony is a very complex musical form. Perhaps you should begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."

Admirer: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old!"

Mozart: "Yes, but I never asked anybody how."


10. Elizabeth Taylor


No, Elizabeth, tell us what you really think.

11. Eminem


Umm. Eminem probably did just say what he really thinks.

12. J.K. Rowling

The ultimate Twitter troll takedown.

13. Roger Ebert


Ebert coming to his fellow critic's aid on his take on Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in the best way possible.

Patrick Goldstein: "... a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic."

Rob Schneider: "Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged By His Peers."

Roger Ebert: "As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize... Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr Schneider, your movie sucks."

14. Bill Clinton

Clinton's response when Dan Quayle said he was going to be a "pit bull" in the 1992 American election campaign:


15. Groucho Marx

Talking to a contestant with 10 children on You Bet Your Life:

Contestant: “I have 10 children, Groucho”.

Marx: “You have 10 children? Why do you have so many kids?”

Contestant: “Because I love my husband”.

Marx: “I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth every once in a while.”


More: The woman who created Friends has the perfect response to sexism

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