With nearly a week of Edinburgh to go, festival goers are celebrating a great year for stand up. Here are some of the best one-liners.
My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.
Yes, my thighs are touching each other but wouldn’t you be touching yourself if you were this close to my vagina?
I’ll tell you what separates the men from the boys. Operation Yewtree.
I used to live next to a farm and every time I passed the cows in the field I used to inexplicably shout abuse at them. Turns out I’m dairy intolerant.
I lost my virginity so late, that when it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.
You ever hate your job with the passion that your boss claims you lack?
I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But I’ve got the ins and outs.
I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.
Recently we got a new child in the family – my new stepmom.
This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’
The wedding invite said: ‘Simon Feilder +1’. So I turned up an hour late.
I thought Benefits Street was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl.
My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell. How long’s the aisle going to be?’
I’m Clive Anderson, in case you were thinking so that’s what happened to William Hague these past years.
Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example.
For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved.
I keep writing letters to myself. Dear me.
Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago and since then he’s never looked back.
Even the word misogyny is misogynistic. It should be ms-ogyny.
Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world’s cheese? The hallouminati.
I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy.
My dad said: ‘Always leave them wanting more.’ Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.
I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience went: ‘Booooo!’ That’s the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.
The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.
When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff and then we roll out our greatest hits.
My father was a magician. Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger.