The 27 best Edinburgh festival one-liners

Alice Jones@alicevjones
Saturday 16 August 2014 09:50

With nearly a week of Edinburgh to go, festival goers are celebrating a great year for stand up. Here are some of the best one-liners.

My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.

Fin Taylor

Yes, my thighs are touching each other but wouldn’t you be touching yourself if you were this close to my vagina?

Luisa Omielan

I’ll tell you what separates the men from the boys. Operation Yewtree.

Maff Brown

I used to live next to a farm and every time I passed the cows in the field I used to inexplicably shout abuse at them. Turns out I’m dairy intolerant.

Alfie Moore

I lost my virginity so late, that when it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.

Holly Walsh

You ever hate your job with the passion that your boss claims you lack?

Stuart Black

I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But I’ve got the ins and outs.

Iain Stirling

I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.

Tom Rhodes

Recently we got a new child in the family – my new stepmom.

Camilla Cleese

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’

Tim Vine

The wedding invite said: ‘Simon Feilder +1’. So I turned up an hour late.

Simon Feilder

I thought Benefits Street was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl.

Imran Yusuf

My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell. How long’s the aisle going to be?’

Paul McCaffrey

I’m Clive Anderson, in case you were thinking so that’s what happened to William Hague these past years.

Clive Anderson

Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example.

Bridget Christie

For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved.

Sara Pascoe

I keep writing letters to myself. Dear me.

Mark Simmons

Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago and since then he’s never looked back.

Alfie Moore

Even the word misogyny is misogynistic. It should be ms-ogyny.

Bec Hill

Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world’s cheese? The hallouminati.

Nick Helm

I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

Chris Turner

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy.

Rebecca Humphries

My dad said: ‘Always leave them wanting more.’ Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

Mark Watson

I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience went: ‘Booooo!’ That’s the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.

Nathan Caton

The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.

Jonny Lennard

When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff and then we roll out our greatest hits.

Frank Skinner

My father was a magician. Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger.

Alex Edelman