The most tortured prose from the new Fifty Shades book

Dina Rickman@dinarickman
Thursday 18 June 2015 18:00

EL James's Grey, which retells the events of the Fifty Shades of Grey novel from Christian's perspective, is out.

We've pored over the new book to find its best worst lines. You'll notice that while Anastasia was guided by her inner goddess Christian is pretty much ruled by his cock which twitches, jumps and "responds" pretty much every time his paramour bites her lip.

Under normal circumstances her maladroitness would irritate the hell out of me...

Absentmindedly, she wipes a crumb from the corner of her lips and into her mouth and sucks on her finger. My cock twitches in response. What am I, fourteen?

She's too young. She's too inexperienced but, damn, I like the feel of her hand in mine.

I watch her dunk the teabag in the teapot. It's an elaborate and messy spectacle...As she tells me she likes her tea weak and black, for a moment I think she's describing what she likes in a man. Get a grip, Grey. She's talking about tea.

She has a fresh, wholesome fragrance that reminds me of my grandfather's apple orchard.

She vomits again and again, her hands on the brick. It's pitiful.

As we stand inside I make a mental note to f--k her in an elevator one day.

Her lips form a perfect small o. My cock hardens further. Yes, I'd like to f--k that mouth, that o.

She has to be one of the most uncoordinated females I've ever seen. It's amusing, charming and strangely arousing at the same time; I think of all the ways I can improve her coordination.

She sucks harder; her eyes are alight with feminine cunning... Suddenly she bares her teeth, gently squeezing me.

Yeah I'm human too baby... just.

Her eyes glint with sensual disobedience.

Keeping my eyes on hers, I pop an olive into my mouth and lick my index finger. Her eyes grow wider and darker.

Her confession floors me like a swift kick to the head.

Her fumbling fingers reach for the button on my waistband.

She studies me for a moment as if she's solved the riddle of the sphinx.

She's stolen my underwear! I'm stunned. And in that instant I want nothing more than to see her in my boxer briefs... and only them.

This woman has me tied up in knots. Ironic, Grey.

My body ignites like dry tinder.

My hand glides down her ass to the blue string and I tug out the tampon, which I toss in the toilet. She gasps, shocked, I think...

I grab the box and the note and head for my study. I will handle this better from my seat of power.

An image of her shackled to my bench, peeled gingerroot inserted in her ass so she can't clench her buttocks, comes to mind.

My hair is wet from my shower but I don't give a s--t. One glance at the louche f--ker in the mirror and I exit.

I remember her telling me to keep still and tugging my pubic hair while she was sitting astride me, naked. The thought is arousing.

More: Holy crap, EL James is writing a new Fifty Shades of Grey book