The definitive list of Mark Corrigan's 25 best quotes from Peep Show

Matthew Champion@matthewchampion
Tuesday 10 November 2015 18:00
Showbiz

We've put internal monologues (in brackets). Enjoy!

Mark:

But, the relocation thing, moving out on Jeremy... It feels a bit weird, Dad. (Shit!)

Johnson:

Sorry?

Mark:

It feels weird, Daddio.

Sophie, please, don't! We have something special! Not my words, yours! We can't throw that all away just because I spy on you... Can we?

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like... 'I like you'.

Those kids have no idea whatsoever of what went on at Stalingrad. Although I can in no way compare my struggle reading it with that of the Red Army, it has been a very big read.

Sophie's the one. Toni's Russia; vast, mysterious, unconquerable. Sophie's Poland; manageable, won't put up too much of a fight.

Look at me, friends with a big black businessman like it's the most natural thing in the world. If he got accused of a crime he hadn't committed I could come to his aid.

[Mark is watching gay porn]

There's nothing to be afraid of. It was very popular with the Romans and they got a lot done.

There's probably much less to worry about with gay sex. I mean, you know where you are with a cock.

Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown's savoury, white's the treat. Course I'm the one who's laughing because I actually love brown toast.

The truth is... The truth is, I suppose, I like you. That's why I said the song. I like you. Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the Earth just for liking you? I like you and if you can't handle it, you can just... you know, fuck off.

Everyone at this party isn't as young, fit and single as they're making out. Yep, let's face it, we're all falling apart piece by piece. Doesn't matter if you're single or in a couple: You. Are. Going. To. Die.

[Mark and Jeremy are playing chess]

Jez:

Oh come on, let's get out of here. It's doing our nuts in. Let's go and get you some sweet punani action.

Mark:

I don't want sweet punani action, I want to take your bishop and grind you down.

Oh my God, I've entered an interview situation, and there's a hand near my cock! This is like that dream I had about Alan Sugar and The Badger.

Oh God, I'm even boring when I'm a Nazi.

[Jeremy stumbles upon Mark in church]

Jez:

Were you praying just then?

Mark:

I was just kneeling. Having a nice little kneel.

OK, here we go, wedding day. I am heading for a wedding. How do I feel? Empty, check. Scared, check. Alone, check. Just another ordinary day. Ha ha. Very funny.

Jez:

Remember that time we came back from Cinderella's and Pedge put his pants on the taxi driver's head, and he couldn't see a thing?

Mark:

Yeah, that would have been more hilarious had I not been literally weeping with fear.

I do want the FDR doll, but is it crossing a line? Oh my God, my heart's racing, it's like when I bought my first 20-sided die.

Is this a bit like stalking? Stalking's a very loaded term, I prefer to think of it as extreme liking.

Great call. Flirty but friendly, didn't overstep the mark. I could show Sophie the transcript. Maybe I should start taping my phone calls. No, Mark, that's how they got Nixon!

Gerard, don't call me 'boss' outside work, I don't like it. (I very much do like it.)

She's taken my sperm. And sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver; you can't really ask for it back.

Nobody is going to die, this is southern England. Nobody dies in southern England, Jeremy, that just doesn't happen.

Later, baby! (Ugh, baby. Note to self RE being the Fonz, Mark, you are not the Fonz.)

I've made a psycho call to the woman I love, I've kicked a dog to death, and now I'm going to pepper spray an acquaintance. Something... I mean, what's happened to me?

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