Brexit: 8 of the best metaphors that sum up Britain's disasterous EU departure

Greg Evans
Tuesday 11 December 2018 11:15
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Picture:(BEN STANSALL/HO/AFP/BBC)

Brexit. Brexit. Brexit. Brexit. Brexit.

That's all us Brits can talk about these days. It consumes every single moment of our waking life. Perpetually nagging at us, as if it was some Cronenberg-esque parasite, intending to corrupt our overall health and sanity.

One day we'll rise from our slumber and it will all be over and we will be left shuddering in a corner asking, 'What was life like before Brexit?'

How are we supposed to carry on without any discussions on backstops, the single market, a second referendum or James Comey appearing on TV every week to remind us of how screwed we all are?

Will the likes of Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Nigel Farage be relevant if it happens? Or will they fade away as if victims of the snap of a 'Mad Titans' fingers?

We've heard it said numerous times during the past two years, but Brexit really is the biggest political choice of a generation.

Do we want to live as part of a vibrant and cultured continent or as a small island where Mr Blobby is allowed to make a revival?

With all this chaos in mind, the gallows humour that the British possess has been on full display and, considering that it's Christmas, we decided that you deserve something cheerful, so here are eight of the best Brexit metaphors to make you feel a little better before we enter oblivion.

We'll start off with a recent example of the utter and unintentional despair surrounding Brexit, that just happens to crop up day by day.

A bus belonging to the 'Leave Means Leave' group, bearing the words 'Stop the Brexit betrayal' (seriously do we really need more Brexit buses?) got into a spot of bother on its way to UKIP organised march a few weekends ago.

However, before it arrived at its destination, it managed to get lost in central London as it headed down a dead end and quickly became an internet joke.

Fortunately, buses can reverse. Unfortunately for us our politicians seem incapable of such a manoeuvre.

Although a cup of 'peppermint tea' might sound like something someone from the so-called 'metropolitan elite' might sip from, comedian James Acaster hit the nail on the head here.

This was way back in halcyon days of 2016, but the metaphor works perfectly in the cold hard reality of 2018.

Unfortunately for James and other peppermint tea enthusiasts, the possibility of drinking such a beverage might not be possible once Brexit happens as we will be forced to brew tea using pencil shavings and rat's milk.

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This is an oldie but a goodie that anyone who has binged their way through Ru Paul's Drag Race over an entire weekend will be familiar with.

Back in September 2017, financial writer David Osler posted a since-deleted tweet about how Theresa May's Brexit deal is kinda like having Netflix but not paying for it.

I'm going to cancel Netflix and negotiate with each film producer separately, to get the best deal for me and my family.

Can't really argue with that at all, although we would really appreciate if Brexit could add a 'skip intro' option just so we can avoid the inevitable misery of the UK's first couple of years outside the EU.

When it comes to a witty piece of trolling, Harry Potter creator JK Rowling never fails to disappoint.

Back in September 2017, pro-Brexit journalist and Tory MEP Daniel Hannan tweeted this, which must have seemed like a good idea, at the time.

In response, Rowling said this:

As she said, 'what could go wrong?'

It seems like a lifetime ago, but it's shocking to look back at the anti-immigrant sentiment that was spread during the 2016 referendum.

The fractures that rhetoric created are still permeating today and could get a lot worse before we even realise it.

It's not entirely concrete who we should point the finger at for this type of language but this metaphor from writer Tom Pride almost sums it up.

In 1997, Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet won the hearts of millions of people around the globe as their tale of an ultimately tragic love affair onboard the Titanic stormed the box-office and the Academy Awards.

21-years later their story and the catastrophe of the Titanic became the perfect metaphor for Brexit as, rather than colliding with a huge iceberg, the UK crashed into a group of useless politicians that didn't even have the audacity to have hair as good as Billy Zane.

We'd like to think that when March 29 arrives Celine Dion will rise up in the middle of the House of Commons and serenade the politicians with a rendition of my 'Heart Will Go On' while the rest of us attempt to cling on to a door that blatantly has enough space for us, only for Theresa May to push us off into the icy depths below.

Sometimes words just can't sum up Brexit. No matter what happens and no matter what we write, every day we are left questioning just what on earth is going on and why won't anyone bring an end to this madness?

As if by accident a sign language interpreter for BBC News managed to sum up the entire farce by simply telling all the hearing impaired viewers at home what was going on during that infamous day when several prominent Tory MP's resigned from the cabinet.

This really does say it all, doesn't it?

Shall we finish off with a nice cup-of-tea (not peppermint)?

Because what could be more British than a giant mug of hot brew to settle the nerves and make us realise that everything will be ok in the end?

Well, best not use this mug created by potterer Lee Cartledge which is bound to leave you with a scolded chin, chest and groin.

We fully expect these to be in every shop in the land by the end of next year which we can enjoy along with our blue passports and visas for every single holiday that we go on in the future.

In the meantime this will be the majority of the UK for the next three months.

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More: Brexit: Michael Heseltine warns politicians the youth of Britain will 'never forgive us' for leaving the EU

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