50 Christmas jokes that are better than the ones in your cracker

Greg Evans
Tuesday 25 December 2018 08:30
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Picture:(Getty Images/iStock)

Contrary to popular belief, the worst part about Christmas dinner isn't having to talk to your in-laws or eat that dry Turkey.

No, it's the truly awful and quite frankly embarrassing jokes that you have to read out after pulling a cracker at the table, only for your relatives to groan with contempt as if it was your fault.

On one hand, there is no reason that jokes should ever be that bad and, on the other, crackers are a waste of money and resources, so think twice before you buy any.

It really shouldn't be down to you to bring some cheer and gags to the table, but if the cracker manufacturers are going to continue to let you then we suppose it's up to us to sort it out.

So without further ado, here are 50 jokes that are definitely better than the ones you'll find in any cracker... actually, who are we kidding. They are all awful!

1.

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

2.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

They always drop their needles!

3.

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

He got 25 days!

4.

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can 'ho ho ho'!

5.

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?

Twerky!

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6.

What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? 

Freeze a jolly good fellow

7.

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had a low 'elf' esteem!

 

8.

Why are Santa's deers always wet?

Because they're reindeers!

 

9.

What do elfs learn in school?
 
The elf-abet

10.

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly-Davidson

11.

What's a dinosaur's least favourite reindeer?

Comet!

12.

Went looking for an advent calendar today but couldn't find one.

I feel like their days are numbered.

13.

What happened to Santa when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker.

14.

Why did Frosty's fiancée leave him?

He got the wrong kind of ice on the ring.

15.

What's the worst kind of weather you can get on Christmas Eve?

Acid raindeer.

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16.

What do you call an elf who sings?

A wrapper.

17.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

18.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

Snowballs.

19.

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

20.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

 The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

21.

Who does Santa call when his sleigh breaks down?

The Abominable Towman.

22.

Where do Santa's workers go when they are in need of counselling?

An elf-help group.

23.

I hate Christmas.

Whoever invented it should be crucified.

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24.

What did Frosty's girlfriend give him when she was mad at him?

The cold shoulder.

25.

Who brings presents to all the good little crabs and lobsters at the beach?

Sandy Claws.

26.

Where do snowmen keep their money?

In a snowbank.

27.

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve? 

Auld Fang Syne.

28.

What says 'oh oh oh'?

Santa walking backwards.

29.

What is Santa's favourite place to deliver presents?

Idaho-ho-ho!

30.

Who is Santa's favourite singer?

Elf-is Presley!

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31.

What did Santa say to the smoker?

Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

32.

Why did the Rudolph cross the road?

Because he was tied to the chicken

33.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because it was the chicken's day off.

34.

How does Christmas Day end?

With the letter 'Y'!

35.

What carol is heard in the desert?

O camel ye faithful!

36.

What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?

Fleece Navidad!

37.

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinsilitis!

38.

What do sheep say at Christmas?

A Merry Christmas to Ewe!

39.

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?

Mistle-toad!

40.

How did Mary and Joseph know how much Jesus weighted when he was born?

There was a weight in a manger!

41.

What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less!

42.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy.

43.

My Christmas decorations are inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.

- Tim Vine

44.

Where does Father Christmas like to enjoy a mixture of badminton, horse-riding and subtropical swimming?

Santa Parcs.

- Tim Key

45.

When do sheep practice their new dance?

While shepherds watched them floss by night.

46.

 Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much?

She’s always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes.

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47.

At Christmas time, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.

Maybe that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

48.

Why was the turkey in the pop group?

Because he was the only one with drumsticks!

49.

What do you give a dog for Christmas?

A mobile bone.

50.

Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

Because they were two deer

More: 12 Christmas cracker jokes only smart people will understand

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