The 31 funniest one line jokes to cheer you up after the US election result

Warning: Post contains swear words and adult themes.

All comedy is subjective, so that headline is bollocks.

Let's rephrase it.

We've had a quick scout around the internet for the best one-liners we could find and these were the ones that made us chortle. God knows we could all do with a laugh.

We hope they do the same for you.


My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

  • Joe Bor


Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.

  • Mark Nelson


I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward.

  • Tom Stade


He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. ' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.

  • Tommy Cooper


British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.

  • Jimmy Carr


My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

  • Susan Murray


Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.

  • Stewart Francis


My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.

  • Fin Taylor


I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'.

  • Paddy Lennox


For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved.

  • Sara Pascoe


I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.

  • Stephen Grant


I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

  • Nick Helm


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

  • Tommy Cooper


I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.

  • Rob Auton


I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy.

  • Rebecca Humphries


The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.

  • Jonny Lennard


If I discovered a new animal I’d call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians.

  • Jim Campbell


A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought 'That's a turtle disaster'.

  • Tommy Cooper


I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

  • Tim Vine


Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?

  • Dan Antolpolski


You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

  • Sara Pascoe


My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

  • Mark Watson


So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

  • Tommy Cooper


I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

  • Stewart Francis


The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘AAAAH, I’ve used too much!!'

  • Andrew Bird


I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

  • Rodney Dangerfield


I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.

– Zach Galifianakis


I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

– Tommy Cooper


My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart

- Masai Graham


I met a painter who only paints using Japanese rice wine, but it was just saké for art’s sake.

- Phil Mann


This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’

- Tim Vine

More: 11 jokes only smart people will understand

More: The 10 funniest jokes from the 2015 Edinburgh fringe festival

More: These are the 10 funniest jokes at the Edinburgh fringe