7 of the worst excuses of all time

Mimi Launder
Wednesday 18 July 2018 13:00
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Picture:(Getty Images / NICHOLAS KAMM / Contributor)

Welcome to our 'worst excuses of all time' round-up - the most painful, unbelievable last resort get-outs from politics to sport.

The round-up is just a spur-of-the-moment thing, nothing to do with the monumentally baffling events currently wafting from the White House. Obviously.

1. "I have too much sex with my wife."

American athlete Dennis Mitchell blamed the abnormally high levels of testosterone in his system on having sex with his wife four times that day, saying:

It was her birthday, the lady deserved a treat.

It initially got him off the hook, until the International Association of Athletics Federations pointed out that testosterone does spike from sex - but not that much.

2. "I think I could have said it better."

Rudy Giuliani, who said he spent an inordinate amount of time at Ground Zero after 9/11, apparently likes taking metaphors to the extreme.

Speaking to reporters about his selfless efforts, he said:

I was at Ground Zero as often, if not more, than most of the workers. I was there working with them.

I was exposed to exactly the same things they were exposed to. So in that sense, I'm one of them.

After firefighters and police workers came out to say 'er, no you didn't', he rapidly backpedalled, essentially claiming he was there in spirit:

I think I could have said it better.

You know, what I was saying was, 'I'm there with you'.

If only all of us could claim credit for sitting at home and thinking about helping people in need, with no need to actually do anything.

3. "A bongo is a white antelope so it isn't racist."

3. "A bongo is a white antelope so it isn't racist."

UKIP's Godfrey Bloom deservedly landed in hot water after condemning foreign aid being sent to 'Bongo Bongo land', a derogatory reference to Africa.

But it turns out the nickname is actually a loving referral to a continent he intimately knows: "A bongo is a white antelope so it isn't racist," he explained

Also, a bongo is actually a brown antelope and Godfrey Bloom's comments were racist.

4. "I'm a human."

Conservative whip Bill Wiggin claimed £11,000 in phantom mortgage payments.

He begged for everyone's forgiveness. After all, he's just "a human", much like all the other humans who didn't scam the taxpayer.

5. "It was just a tickle fight."

In 2010, New York Congressman and former naval commander Eric Massa amid allegations that he had sexually harassed a member of his staff.

But, it's okay, he assured us, as "it was just a tickle fight", that routine way to relax in the office.

6. "A wide stance going to the bathroom."

Former Republican senator Larry Craig - who has a history of stridently supporting anti-gay policies - was arrested by a plainclothes cop for attempting to solicit sex in an airport bathroom.

He cop alleged that Craig touched his foot with his foot and "proceeded to swipe his hand under the stall divider several times".

After initially pleading guilty, Craig quickly backtracked when the story gained public traction and claimed he adopted "a wide stance when going to the bathroom".

7. And, finally, the crowned champion...

Donald Trump, skilled at somehow retaining even a scattering of support despite a disastrous, widely criticised presidency bursting with too many scandals to keep up with, is apparently less of an expert when it comes to grammar.

His latest excuse puts the others to shame in its sheer audacity, claiming that his "treasonous" comment that Russia had "no reason" to be involved in election meddling was just a big old silly mix-up.

His excuse? A tricky double negative. Instead of saying "I don’t see any reason why it would be" Russia, he explained he was meant to say:

The sentence should have been ‘I don’t see any reason why... it wouldn’t be Russia’

Apparently satisfied with this excuse, Trump declared to a baffled crowed that "that probably clarifies things".

Not really, no. Unless it means that all this time, Trump has been getting his words mixed up and is actually a liberal President desperately trying to convince us to 'not build a wall', 'keep Hillary Clinton away from jail' and that 'America is actually fine as it is, thanks'.

It's almost funny, watching Trump look like a teenager scrambling to make homework excuse, until you remember he's one of the most powerful men in the world who was either accidentally defeated by the English language, a bare-faced liar or - possibly - both.

More: This photograph of Trump's notes during his Russia backtrack reveals something worrying

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