Seven stages of post-festival blues

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Finally having access to a hot shower just about makes up for the fact that you’re no longer dancing in a field with all your friends. Just about. Here’s what to expect in the aftermath of a music festival

1. Shock – the post-festival shower

Pure unadulterated soapy bliss. Who knew washing off several days’ accumulation of mud would feel this good? Oh that’s right, you did. You’re finally out of your wellies and into your cosiest slippers and a fluffy dressing gown. You’ve been reunited with all your favourite products and you smell fresher than a field of flowers on the first day of spring.

2. Denial – watching the highlights on TV

The joy of the shower is, however, short-lived. It’s not long before you begin to miss your mates and the unbridled freedom of the festival. You vainly try to relive the glory by commandeering the TV remote and watching the highlights for hours on end, much to the annoyance of your housemates.

3. Anger – the dreaded tagged photos

The notifications on your phone are going crazy, you flick to Facebook and discover that your friend, who’s notorious for uploading the most unflattering photos without so much as a filter, has done exactly that. 50+ pictures of you with a face covered in glitter and a pint of cider in hand are splashed all over the newsfeed. Detag, detag, detag. No one needs to see your sweaty 4am grimace.

4. Bargaining – making plans for next year

You’ve watched all the highlights on catch-up repeatedly and turned all your housemates against you in the process. All that’s left now, to take your mind off the back-to-work dread, is to start plotting your next escapade. You google ‘festivals in the UK’ until your fingers hurt.

5. Despair – sleep this phase off

The waves of existential crisis wash over you, and you contemplate resurrecting that band you started as a music project back in school so you can spend your days touring. Before you press send on that message to three people you haven’t spoken to in about 10 years, maybe it’s time to sleep off those series of all-nighters and catch up on some much needed rest?

6. The upward turn –an obligatory Instagram post

By now you’re feeling a little better, you’ve slept off the worst of the hangover and you’ve even got a vague idea of the next time you’ll be able to hang out in a field with all your favourite people, thanks to the frantic googling of Stage 4. It’s time to share your best semi-artistic snap on Instagram, accompanied by the obligatory ‘Take me back’ caption complete with crying face emoji. Nothing soothes the soul so much as a few likes.

7. Acceptance – unpacking

You’ve cut off your wristband and you finally feel ready to face the adult world, but the first step is to sort out the carnage that waits in your rucksack. This is what adulting looks like people. Top tip, don’t unpack straight onto your pristine carpet: either spread out an old towel or, if the weather is nice, shake the glitter and mud off outside. Whichever you do, be sure to have your washing basket at the ready. Welcome back to the real world.

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