This one was Jeremy Thompson's idea. He offered 'In loco parentis' – 'Dad's an engine driver'; and 'Sic transit gloria mundi' – 'It was a rough crossing yesterday but it is a lovely day today.'

It's always hard to capture the spirit of the original, and Alan Beattie had a slightly different version: 'After a heavy weekend, Gloria threw up in the van.'

1. 'Pas de deux'

No, I only want one, demands Hopi Sen.

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