20 of the best Christmas cracker jokers that are actually funny

Upgrading some of the worst Christmas cracker jokes

If there were a competition for the worst jokes, there would be a face-off between Penguin bars, Christmas crackers and dads across the nation.

Christmas cracker jokes are almost brilliant because they’re so unexplainably bad. Either you’re faced with a table full of forced laughter or alternatively, the look of dismay as if you were the one who wrote it.

Don’t shoot the messenger.

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While it shouldn’t be up to you to bring the Christmas banter, let’s face it, cracker manufacturers definitely don’t have your back.

So, here are our favourite Christmas jokes that are bound to make people laugh – or crack a smile at least.

I got a Christmas card full of rice in the post today.
I think it was from my Uncle Ben.
Did you hear Tesco is giving away dead batteries for Christmas?
They’re free of charge!
What’s the Grinch’s least favourite band?
The Who.
What did 52 per cent of Brits order for Christmas dinner?
No Brussels.
Why doesn’t Jeremy Corbyn ever visit Santa?
Because he struggles in the poles.
What is the best possible holiday present?
A broken drum—you just can’t beat it!
Why is Greta Thunberg boycotting parsnips and carrots at Christmas?
Because she’s a swede-dish campaigner.
Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?
He needed Christmas spirit.
What do you call a snowman who goes on Love Island?
A melt.
How did Scrooge win the football game?
The Ghost of Christmas passed.
Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?
It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
Why do reindeer like Beyoncé so much?
She sleighs.
Did you hear about the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days.
Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose!
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing—it was on the house!
Who is Santa’s favourite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
How do you know when Santa’s around?
You can always sense his presents.
What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple!
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey—he’s always stuffed.

Christmas cracker jokes: The gifts that keeps on giving.

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