Love Island star Amber Davies is worried about casual sex.
She appeared on BBC Radio 5 Live to air her opinions on casual sex and how it needs to change, which went down about as well as a misinformed sex education lesson.
On the show, the Love Island claimed women should not have sex on the first date and that people should avoid one night stands.
This is despite the fact she had sex on screen while appearing in Love Island.
Davies later posted a video to Twitter asking 'is sex too casual?' and outlining her five rules for casual sex.
Binky, a sex and relationships YouTuber and blogger, was disappointed to see Davies' attempt to define rules when it comes to sex. She told indy100:
This isn’t coming from a place of negativity towards [Amber] at all.
However, it’s so important to acknowledge that sex, sexual health and navigating sexuality is already really complex enough without having influential people, such as Amber, creating rules for what she thinks should and shouldn’t be acceptable.
So, rule by rule, Binky took to Twitter to remind the internet that everyone can approach sex in any way they want, as long as it's healthy and consensual.
Amber's first rule: Don't have sex on the first date.
In Davies' first rule, she advised that "if you don't know the person, don't have sex with the person. It's all about self-respect". In response, Binky tweeted:
Much of the push against 'putting out' on a first date manifests from a slut-shaming culture. Binky explained to indy100:
Slut-shaming is a very real issue in our world, and it’s not cute.
I firmly believe that there is no such thing as a “slut” and that using derogatory terms when referring to another person comes from a deeper problem and/or insecurity within each person.
George Barker, externals director for Sexpression:UK, agrees that it's a person's own decision - and not any externally enforced rules - that's important when it come to sex. He told indy100:
When two people have sex has nothing to do with whether they have self-respect or not, and people should enjoy healthy sexual relationships as long as they feel comfortable, and don’t feel forced to or the need to.
Therefore if you both want to have sex on a first date and you both feel comfortable, don’t feel pressured and are making the decision yourselves independently, then you can.
Amber's second rule: If there's alcohol involved, ask yourself if you'll regret in the morning.
Amber's third rule: Don't have sex to impress.
Davies continued: "I think females and males would be a lot more impressed these days if you don’t put out on the first date.”
Binky would be a lot more impressed if people stopped spouting damaging lies about self-respect:
Amber's fourth rule: Bin 'friends with benefits' and 'no strings attached'.
Davies went onto imply that women become more emotionally attached after seeing someone, saying "us females, we all know we get emotionally attached after sex. If you don't wanna get hurt, don't do it".
Binky is here to remind everyone that communication is key:
Representing sex and relationships charity Sexpression:UK, George Barker continued:
Anyone can get attached after sex, not just those that are female, and the end result is not necessarily going to be negative.
That is why it is important that you make the decision yourself freely and independently on whether this is something you want to do.
Amber's fifth rule: Don't follow the crowd when it comes to casual sex.
Binky stressed that Davies' advised choices are valid, but not the only valid choice. She said:
All of those are very valid decisions to make for yourself.
The problem arises when she then takes those ideas and makes a video instilling the thought that her way is the right way.
Sex and relationships aren’t cookie-cutter experiences, and that’s why you can’t make such generic “rules”.
It’s also entirely hypocritical that she’s telling an audience to “not follow the crowd”, while simultaneously telling them what to do.
Davies has responded to the criticism on Twitter, saying the rules are personal and that she appreciated everyone is different.
But this isn't just about Davies' comments. It's about a wider culture where sex - if done 'wrongly' aka too often, too freely or too soon, particularly by women - is shameful, a taboo to be hidden, and evidence of someone with no self-respect.
Binky believes that talking openly, slowly but surely, will help free us from these out-of-date, misguided mantras:
Talking openly, honestly and allowing yourself to feel vulnerable in the face of others is absolutely the way forward, but it’s a completely personal journey for everyone.
Self-respect is not about how others perceive you, but rather about how you commit to chasing your dreams, fulfilling your own passions, making informed decisions in your own best interest and doing do unapologetically.