90 entirely serious reasons to abolish the monarchy

90 entirely serious reasons to abolish the monarchy

Keep calm and carry on.

1. Charles' ears might not fit under the crown

2. There’d be more corgis for everyone else

3. Buckingham Palace could host a closing down rave

4. Or become the new Berghain

5. Or a sweet af theme park

6. Said night club/theme park might actually pay its staff the living wage


8. History lessons of the future would be easier

9. Little girls will escape being punched in the face

10. There’d be a few more animals in Africa

11. Swan meat would be the next thing on the menu in hipster restaurants

12. We could have competitions to update the national anthem

13. And the Union Jack

14. And all our money

15. We’d be the UR instead of the UK because “The United Republic of Britain and Northern Ireland” and there’s definitely “you are” jokes in there somewhere

16. Imagine the look on Charles' face

17. The Queen’s Guard would get to have a rest

18. We'd spend less money on commemorative chinaware

19. Just

20. Look

21. At

22. The

23. State

24. Of

25. It

26. (Also, tea towels)

27. ...

28. We’d have way more diverse and interestingly named Tube lines

29. Ditto all public institutions, tbh

30. Wills and Kate wouldn't feel the need to dress George in clothes that look Victorian

31. We won't have to pretend to be awake after Christmas dinner for the Queen's address anymore


33. You could get a great price for the mace and sceptre and crown at Cash Converters

34. Alternatively we could just share them and everyone could play dress up for a day each

35. We’d be able to buy clothes we want from Reiss without Kate Middleton sparking a sell-out

36. LegoLand Windsor could relocate to Windsor Castle

37. Princess Diana's ghost could stop coming back from the grave to deliver messages to Kate Middleton via the Daily Star


39. David Attenborough could be president

40. Or Charlotte Church

41. Or Barack Obama

42. Or Tony Blair

43. We could elect anyone, really. Maybe even the Queen

44. No one would strain their eyes trying to read Prince Charles' handwriting in letters to ministers

45. The gold state coach would be the new UberLux

46. We'd get to show tourists all the other stuff the UK has to offer

47. Headlines like:

48. Prince Philip wouldn't say stuff like this as a representative of the state anymore

[To Australian Aboriginal people]: Do you still throw spears at each other?

49. Or this

[Talking to a British student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea:] You managed not to get eaten then?

50. Or this

[During the 1981 recession:] Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.

51. Or this

[At a Buckingham Palace drinks party, to a group of female MPs:] Ah, so this is feminist corner then.

52. Or this

[To survivors of the Lockerbie bombing:] People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still drying out Windsor Castle.

53. We could stop holding our breath every time he met a woman/ethnic minority/foreigner

54. Prince Philip in general, really

55. The Patagonian toothfish will have a chance to go it alone

56. The Daily Mail will have to get over its unhealthy obsession with Kate Middleton's eyebrows

57. What if George doesn't want to be king?

58. Prince Charles could get back to his gardening

59. It would confuse the Americans.

60. A lot

61. The peoples of Commonwealth countries would get to stop having to get dressed up every time a royal visited

62. And dancing. Always with the dancing

63. Bees, which bring more to the British economy that the entire Royal family, would finally get the recognition they deserve

64. What even is this? Why does Lego baby Charlotte have lipstick on?

65. This would never happen to some poor tourist ever again

66. Or this.

67. Prince William's poor hand can remain uncrushed by foreign leaders

68. Certain newspapers would run out of stuff to write about

69. We could wipe that terrible American show starring Liz Hurley from our memories


71. It wouldn't matter who Harry's father is anymore

72. We could outlaw cream suits

73. Jeremy Corbyn might actually look happy for once

74. Prince Charles could finally reach true adulthood by learning how to brush his teeth himself

75. A documentary about the Royal family getting used to life in a council house would be fascinating

76. Every new kid in nursery won't be called 'George' or 'Charlotte'

77. There'd be way less lengthy and pointless handshaking of dignitaries


79. It would make Simon McCoy a happy, happy man

80. We'd never have to wake up to stories like this again

81. We'll just leave this here


83. As a nation we'd finally get to admit that fancy hats are just a bit of a faff

84. And that pastel colours don't really suit that many people

85. And no one would ever have to wear gloves as fashion items ever again

86. This graph will even out a bit:

87. 'Work shy' Wills will get to enjoy family holidays in peace


89. Because this little girl just needs it all to end

90. And finally, awkward comparisons like this would be a thing of the past:

Happy birthday, Lizzie!

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