'Novelty candidates are a fine tradition, so I applaud Boris Johnson’s decision to stand' – Count Binface on LGBTQ+ rights, pub toilets and a second Brexit referendum

'Novelty candidates are a fine tradition, so I applaud Boris Johnson’s decision to stand' – Count Binface on LGBTQ+ rights, pub toilets and a second Brexit referendum
BBC/Two Brothers/Luke Varley/PA

Count Binface – on the eve of the general election that could see him unseating the prime minister – sat down for a galaxy-exclusive interview for indy100 with Sean O'Grady, the associate editor of The Independent who's covered every election since 1974. Here's what he had to say.

The Time Lord who is challenging Boris Johnson for his seat in Uxbridge and South Ruislip revealed to us today that he is the LGBTQ+ ally we’ve been hoping for – and wants an appropriately rainbow-striped cape to replace his sober current Darth-Vader-meets-wastepaper-bin look.

“If it’s good enough for Phillip Schofield…” he explains.

While he’s clearly keen to win the LGBTQ+ vote, his general demographic among humans is: “As far as humans go, that small minority of people who think that both Boris and Jeremy are a bit shit.”

I’m sure there aren’t many people in the UK who think that, but some might be interested.

The Count is anxious to point out that he no longer has anything to do with the Gremloids and their leader, Lord Buckethead, after what he calls “a nasty battle on Planet Copyright”.

A Time Lord named Lord Buckethead has stood against every prime minister ever since a bemused Margaret Thatcher encountered him at the count in Finchley in 1987. His appearance with Theresa May and a giant Elmo puppet at the Maidenhead count was one of many highlights in the 2017 poll.

Count Binface, who is one of 12 candidates standing in the west London seat currently being contested by Johnson is undeterred by the notion that he might split the anti-Boris vote.

His perspective on the general election tomorrow – a perspective that is framed from his throne on Sigma 9 – he voices with stentorian frankness:

The presence of novelty candidates in general elections is as you know a fine British tradition, and as such I applaud Boris Johnson’s decision to stand.

But for me. I do not expect many, if indeed any, votes.

His goal is to surpass the previous record low for a candidate at a British general election and “slide under” the one-vote barrier for a place in the record books. (In which case he could not possibly split anyone’s vote).

Polls suggest that the prime minister’s closest rival is not the Count but Ali Milani of something called the Labour Party.

His view on Corbyn is that he is “a very well-meaning man".

I think his manifesto is a fairytale that is perfect for Christmas and the magic gum-gum tree and everything else.

His most eye-catching commitment is the promise to restore Ceefax to its position as a dignified – ie: slow – source of news and information. For those under 30, Ceefax was the original 24-hour news outlet. Google it.

Clarifying his position, Binface made clear that he is “all in favour of harmony”, and that Ceefax could co-exist peacefully with the internet. To prove the point, Count Binface has made his manifesto available in Ceefax form, including incidental music, on his website.

My point is the internet is a mixed blessing. Ceefax is a total blessing.

The Count’s 40-point manifesto has, he claims, been fully costed. However, asked about where he would find the “£1 trillion a week” he wants to spend on the NHS, he offers up scrapping the UK’s nuclear deterrent, but not telling anyone, so that the secret submarines wouldn’t be there, but would still act as powerful deterrent because no one would know they weren't.

Other policies he believes will prove immediately popular include:

  • London Bridge to be renamed ‘Phoebe Waller’ (“cost zero – Boris Johnson spent £50m on a bridge that didn’t exist”). 
  • “Sir David Attenborough to be on the fourth plinth at Trafalgar Square – or a statue of him, I don’t mind which.”
  • Katie Hopkins to be banished to the Phantom Zone.
  • Shops that play Christmas music before December are to be closed down and turned into​ public libraries.
  • Abolition of the Lords (all of them this time).
  • The hand dryer in the gents’ toilet at the Crown & Treaty pub in Uxbridge to be moved to a more sensible position.

And in a not-so-subtle Labour reference:

Oh and I’ll throw in free broadband.

After a brief media sensation surrounding “handdryergate”, Binface has now stated that the scheme has been “fully costed” at about £200.

Asked whether it is practical to make Piers Morgan carbon-neutral by 2030 (another of his policies), Binface evinces Johnsonian optimism:

If we all pulled together, in a sort of wartime effort as a country, we could do it.

We’ve got 10 years but we could make Piers not be on the TV or the radio. It’s tough, at the outer realms of what’s possible – but not impossible – to have him not on the air in 10 years.

And on the great issue of today?

I said in 2017, and I remain of the opinion, that Brexit would be, and would continue to be, a shitshow.

And therefore I suggest there must be another referendum. About whether there should be another referendum. It solves everything. Everyone is happy.

It’s a people’s vote about a people’s vote. I do think it’s the only way out.

And with a final plea to “make your vote count”, the Uxbridge-educated Count was off to the count.

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