Count Binface – on the eve of the general election that could see him unseating the prime minister – sat down for a galaxy-exclusive interview for indy100 with Sean O'Grady, the associate editor of The Independent who's covered every election since 1974. Here's what he had to say.
The Time Lord who is challenging Boris Johnson for his seat in Uxbridge and South Ruislip revealed to us today that he is the LGBTQ+ ally we’ve been hoping for – and wants an appropriately rainbow-striped cape to replace his sober current Darth-Vader-meets-wastepaper-bin look.
“If it’s good enough for Phillip Schofield…” he explains.
While he’s clearly keen to win the LGBTQ+ vote, his general demographic among humans is: “As far as humans go, that small minority of people who think that both Boris and Jeremy are a bit shit.”
I’m sure there aren’t many people in the UK who think that, but some might be interested.
The Count is anxious to point out that he no longer has anything to do with the Gremloids and their leader, Lord Buckethead, after what he calls “a nasty battle on Planet Copyright”.
A Time Lord named Lord Buckethead has stood against every prime minister ever since a bemused Margaret Thatcher encountered him at the count in Finchley in 1987. His appearance with Theresa May and a giant Elmo puppet at the Maidenhead count was one of many highlights in the 2017 poll.
Count Binface, who is one of 12 candidates standing in the west London seat currently being contested by Johnson is undeterred by the notion that he might split the anti-Boris vote.
His perspective on the general election tomorrow – a perspective that is framed from his throne on Sigma 9 – he voices with stentorian frankness:
The presence of novelty candidates in general elections is as you know a fine British tradition, and as such I applaud Boris Johnson’s decision to stand.
But for me. I do not expect many, if indeed any, votes.
His goal is to surpass the previous record low for a candidate at a British general election and “slide under” the one-vote barrier for a place in the record books. (In which case he could not possibly split anyone’s vote).
Polls suggest that the prime minister’s closest rival is not the Count but Ali Milani of something called the Labour Party.
His view on Corbyn is that he is “a very well-meaning man".
I think his manifesto is a fairytale that is perfect for Christmas and the magic gum-gum tree and everything else.
His most eye-catching commitment is the promise to restore Ceefax to its position as a dignified – ie: slow – source of news and information. For those under 30, Ceefax was the original 24-hour news outlet. Google it.
Clarifying his position, Binface made clear that he is “all in favour of harmony”, and that Ceefax could co-exist peacefully with the internet. To prove the point, Count Binface has made his manifesto available in Ceefax form, including incidental music, on his website.
My point is the internet is a mixed blessing. Ceefax is a total blessing.
The Count’s 40-point manifesto has, he claims, been fully costed. However, asked about where he would find the “£1 trillion a week” he wants to spend on the NHS, he offers up scrapping the UK’s nuclear deterrent, but not telling anyone, so that the secret submarines wouldn’t be there, but would still act as powerful deterrent because no one would know they weren't.
Other policies he believes will prove immediately popular include: