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Another day, another Hillary Clinton email non-scandal.
The FBI were busy investigating former congressman Anthony Weiner for sexting a 15-year-old girl - neglecting, it would seem, to investigate the self-confessed sexual assault, accusations of child rape and admittance of significant tax evasion relating to Donald Trump.
While looking into devices used by Weiner, who is the estranged husband of Clinton aide Huma Abedin, the FBI discovered emails that they believe are pertinent to their last investigation of Clinton, and obtained a warrant to review them.
The last time, while she was Secretary of State, all she was guilty of was using a private server to send state emails. In other words, using a non-work device to send work emails. Which, by the way, Colin Powell and Jeb Bush are also guilty of. And probably, so are you.
The FBI chose not to prosecute her for improper handling of classified materials, and Clinton is confident that these new emails will not change that recommendation.
But for reasons best known to them, the FBI decided to release an innuendo-heavy letter to Congress pertaining to the discovery, with very little actual detail, which has shaken Clinton's confident lead in the race for President. Of course, Trump is busy fearmongering and misrepresenting the findings already, calling the probe "bigger than Watergate".
Meanwhile, CNBC reported that the same FBI director, James Comey, refused to release details about a possible Russian interference in the US elections because it was too close to Election Day, and could influence the outcome.
There are also convincing reports that the FBI found these emails weeks ago, but only chose to release the information now.
There could be over half a million emails to get through, but we've already established the most damning aspects of the lot.
From what we know so far, these are all the things that Hillary Clinton, her aides and her friends are guilty of in the emails:
1. Being sassy
"Sorry but your message cannot go through this female-only channel which is required to operate in perpetuity in a vain attempt to balance the gender scales. Try again next millennium."
As you can see, she's a feminazi-bot trying to push the neoliberal agenda. For shame.
Also, burrnnn.
2. Having lame birthday plans
"11.30 am ENJOY THE DAY AND CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY! TBD."
Scandaleuse. No great party ever started at 11:30 with TBD plans. This must be a cover up for a super-secret mission.
3. Forgetfulness
"What's my password for the NY Times?"
Clearly a code for classified information. Or dementia. Either way, unacceptable.
4. Mild nap-related confusion
What's that they've been saying about her health? This shall not stand.
5. Getting snacky
"The hotel manager asked me last night to try their special breakfast. They may try to send it up - did they?...Let's try it and maybe some fresh mangoes....And regular tea too?"
But did they though? God Hillary, demanding much? That's no way for a future president to behave.
6. Emotional attachment to emojis
"On this new berry can I get smiley faces? I am quite bereft that I've lost the emoticons from my latest new old berry."
We're bereft about the future state of our nation, Hillary. You should be smart enough not to need this (hilarious) emoji explanation from a helpful aide:
7. Reluctance to Google... or poor taste in television
“Can you give me times for two TV shows: Parks and Recreation and The Good Wife?”
This clearly gives us an insight into her future foreign policy. As you see, she'll be completely under Bill's thumb. Or, in the park. Either way, we don't like it.
8. Failure to nosh
“Gefilte fish... Where are we on this?”
God Hillary, keep it kosher, would you?
9. Throwing shade
“Why are liberals the world over so politically hopeless?”
The age old question. But seriously, though. Clear evidence of sabotage and corruption.
10. Using super cringe colloquialisms
Too white for the White House, is our Beverly Hills.
11. Technological hopelessness
Abedin: Can you hang up the fax line, they will call again and try fax
Clinton: I thought it was supposed to be off hook to work?
Abedin: Yes but hang up one more time. So they can reestablish the line
Clinton: I did.
Abedin: Just pick up phone and hang it up. And leave it hung up.
Clinton: I've done it twice now.
Did you turn it off and turn it back on again, though? Didn't think of THAT, did you, Hillary?
12. Taking care of personal business at work
Replying to the wrong email like a...well like a middle-aged woman with an Ipad. Could've caused a diplomatic incident. Outrageous.
And most damning of all...
13. Name dropping
"Pls respond to Bon Jovis."
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