Which vegetables would defeat each of the potential Tory leadership candidates?

In recent days we’ve come to realise the main things which strikes fear into the hearts of Conservative government ministers. No, it’s not the guilt of the cruel Rwanda policy deporting asylum seekers, or the worsening cost-of-living crisis, but the humble vegetable.

You may laugh, but when was the last time a UK prime minister got ousted by a lettuce in a wig?

Exactly.

A writer at The Economistmade the brutal comparison last week, claiming Ms Truss has “the shelf-life of a lettuce”, and the Daily Star ran with it, livestreaming the leafy veg to see if it could outlast the embattled PM’s premiership.

And it did, and it’s still going strong a day after the resignation, looking at the official livestream.

Then there’s the small matter of former home secretary Suella Braverman complaining about the “Guardian-reading, tofu-eating wokerati” during a debate on the controversial Public Order Bill on Tuesday, only to resign from the government a day later.

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Coincidence? We think not.

In a letter to Ms Truss, shared on her Twitter account, Ms Braverman revealed she had “sent an official document from my personal email to a trusted parliamentary colleague” which “constitutes a technical infringement of the rules”.

“I have made a mistake; I accept responsibility; I resign,” she wrote, in a line which some commentators interpreted as being a dig at Ms Truss’ initial refusal to resign following the disastrous mini-budget her government recently put forward.

And so, as we dive into another Tory leadership election just over a month since the last one, we can’t help but wonder what the potential candidates’ vegetable Kryptonite are – the food with the power to ‘kale’ their political career…

Sorry.

Boris Johnson – carrot cake

A cake has ambushed him before (with disastrous results), so who’s to say it won’t happen again if he ends up getting the top job for the second time, in the form of a carrot cake?

According to The Times’ political editor, Steven Swinford, the number of public supporters of Boris Johnson is around 26 Tory MPs. There’s also been a few Conservatives who have made it quite clear that they think a comeback for Mr Johnson would be a terrible idea.

While nominations are open (and close at 2pm on Monday), the former mayor of London is yet to declare whether he’s interested in standing.

Even then, there’s currently more MPs on the record who are supporting his former chancellor…

Rishi Sunak – a vegatsu curry from Wagamama

Yep, it turns out former leadership candidate Mr Sunak has the public backing of around 44 MPs, and after coming second to Ms Truss last time round, it could well be second time lucky for the Yorkshire MP.

That would be despite his Partygate fine, and his shambolic Eat Out to Help Out scheme actually causing a “significant” rise in Covid cases and an “acceleration” of the pandemic – according to a study from the University of Warwick in 2020.

And so, with that in mind, we’re forced to relive the horrific imagery of Mr Sunak handing over a Wagamama order to diners as part of a PR stunt to promote the scheme.

We can only hope that the cringe we feel when we’re reminded of that time is similar to the guilt Mr Sunak must feel as a result of his coronavirus-boosting project, hence why we’ve opted for the restaurant chain’s vegatsu curry as the ultimate veg-based meal to defeat his candidacy.

Penny Mordaunt – seaweed

Ignoring how hilariously ironic it would be for someone named Penny to take charge when the pound has tanked, the current Commons leader announced her intention to run for the job of Tory leader (for the second time) just as we were finishing up this article.

Excellent timing, Penny! Hopefully, your campaign video won’t be as awkward as it was the first time…

Or as awkward as your horrific belly flop on the 2014 diving-themed competition, Splash.

We think seaweed – which Google reliably informs us is a “vegetable of the sea” – should be a suitably watery food choice to have her crumble in front of her political opponents.

These are the three main MPs floated as the potential successor to Ms Truss, with nominations open until Monday afternoon.

Leadership hopefuls will need the backing of at least 100 Tory MPs in order to make it onto the first ballot.

But if you’ll excuse us, while the Conservative Party and the UK continues to implode, we’re off to the supermarket…

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