Picture:
Picture:
Jason Kempin/Getty Images for Coachella

There's one way to get an increasingly sought after ticket to the Coachella music festival this year - just meet this guy's weird and sexual set of criteria and it's yours.

Pardon?

A post on the classified ads website Craigslist has gone viral for its overtly creepy tone.

The post has since been deleted, but was transcribed by Some Life.

The original poster, or OP, is "Gordon" who states he is aged 56, and has a spare ticket to the music and arts festival Coachella.

Sounds normal enough.

But It wasn't a spare, it was a free pass "for the right person".

Ok.

As it might be odd attending the festival with a stranger, "Gordon" tells us a little about himself.

Ok here’s the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I’m willing to give it away for free to the right person. I’m looking for a travel “companion” that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years. I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am. JUST FUN! I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right “one”!

Sweet. And sensible. This is the internet. Even AirBnb has criteria, and they're super fun.

Let's check his criteria. It's probably just about showering and checking you're not a right-wing extremist.

1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25.

Holy bejesus Gordon.

2. Must be comfortable traveling [sic] in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached).

OK. This is a little more normal. What was the age thing about?

3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical Coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc).

4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over.

This is getting a little prescriptive Gordon.

5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times.

Maybe he's just into dermatology?

6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic.

This just sounds like Gordon's laying the ground work for creepier requests.

7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially).

Yep. Nailed it. That is exactly what 6. was about.

8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit.

9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS!

Is that all one sandwich?

10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride).

Now you're officially a slave owner.

There are another 10 of these criteria.

10 more.

Gordon wrote 10 of these, and a) didn't think 10 was enough, and, b) didn't think this was a bad idea.

11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.

12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).

How big of you not to make this manadatory!

13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok.

14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram [sic] account.

15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence.

16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!)

LEARN HOW TO SPELL INSTAGRAM FOR THE LOVE OF INSTIGRAM

17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that 'I am naughty'.

18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that 'you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time'.

Dude, there's a section on Craigslist for hiring a sex worker. Coachella tickets don't cut it.

19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower.

Finally, Gordon concludes his list of terrifying demands:

20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and as mentioned, an all expenses paid trip. If you think you’re the one, let me know and we can have a great time together. My name is Gordon and I am 56 years old from West Covina.

He signs it off "Gordie". How cute!

Where do we sign up?

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