All parents want to make sure their kids settle down with the right person, but some go so far as to have specific vetting processes.
And one woman, 27, was shocked to discover her boyfriend’s family had devised an “old-fashioned” test to see if she’d make an appropriate match.
The 27-year-old wrote in a Redditpost that she and her partner, 29, had been together for three years and that she’d met his family a few times, describing them as "friendly".
However, she explained, they didn’t see each other often because she and her boyfriend are “of different nationalities and both work in [her] country”, while they still live in his.
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She said the pair visited the family last weekend and told them about their plans to move in together and get engaged.
“His parents and brothers expressed their happiness for us then out of nowhere his youngest SIL (sister-in-law) asked, ‘So is she going to take the test?’,” the Redditor recounted.
After asking them: “What test?” she discovered that the family have a “tradition” where the mother “tests future daughters-in-law to see if they are good enough for her son”.
“The tests include how clean they can keep a home, how well they can cook, their manners, etc. Basically life skills most people learn from childhood,” she explained.
“I found it ridiculous because 1. If I'm good enough for my boyfriend, he should be the one deciding it. and 2. I don't fit in their targeted category.
“In his mom's words, you can't be a good SAHW (stay-at-home-wife) and SAHM (stay-at-home-mum) if you can't be a good homemaker and she wants to make sure of that.”
The 27-year-old went on: “To be clear, his mom and all three of his brothers' wives are SAHMs and although I respect their choice, I am not quitting my career and did not under any circumstances make my bf think I could compromise on that.
“I hate house chores and I would rather buy homemaking gadgets and hire staff no matter the cost than have to do chores myself.”
She said she made the above points to her partner’s mum, causing a fierce row that ultimately ruined their trip.
Ending her post on the AmItheA**hole subreddit, she stressed that her boyfriend “doesn't care whether I'm a working wife or a SAHW but he thinks I should have just done the test because "it's just a test'".
She said he insisted that the family wouldn’t reject her if she failed it, adding: “He thinks it's a fun tradition that everyone was looking forward to and I should have gone along with it.”
However, thousands of fellow Redditors were quick to reassure her that she was right to put her foot down.
Fuming at her boyfriend’s assessment of the situation, one wrote: “He thinks it a fun tradition for women marrying into the family to be judged on their 'skills' in traditional, old-fashioned gender-conforming roles?
“Fine. Let HIM take a test [...] your father and brothers and male friends can judge him on his manliness and decide if he is prepared to be a 'proper' husband. He might also need to prove he makes enough money to support you for when you have to stay home and perform all those 'wifely' duties. What an obnoxious family.”
Redditors said the test sounded as though it had been pulled straight out of the 1950siStock
Hundreds of others agreed, offering their own versions of a masculinity assessment that the partner should take, including: putting together “the hardest piece of flatpack furniture you can find”, “servicing a car”, carrying “one very heavy box up and down the stairs 50 times” and “defending his wife’s honour at the bar”.
Others shared their concern about the boyfriend’s expectations, with one writing: “I think it’s a huge red flag in the relationship that he is not defending you against his family, and leaving you hanging on this sexist bull.
“He’s failing the ‘man’ test right now, and doesn’t seem like husband material unless he can step up and keep his family in check immediately, and apologize to you for the whole debacle.”
Another said: “The fact he knew such a test existed and never let his partner know about it is total bulls**t. If my [significant other] knows there is a sexiest ‘test’ coming down the pike he sure as s**t better tell me or he knows I’m laughing and going home.”
And a third commented: “I'm concerned he secretly thinks you'll change your mind when you get pregnant or he can convince you to stay home. Maybe he is different, but it seems like something very ingrained in his family and upbringing.”
Meanwhile, the original poster (OP) was quick to point out that she hadn't revealed the nationality of her boyfriend and his family for fear of shifting the topic “entirely away from the action that needs to be judged and become a battlefield of people of that nationality vs the rest of the world”.
She stressed: “It's a family tradition, not a national culture.”
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