Reimagining that One Britain One Nation song that’s got everyone talking

Ugh. That One Britain One Nation song.

You know the one. It haunts us in our sleep. It echoes round the chambers of our mind in the shower, while making lunch, while trying to hang out with friends.

It angered the whole of social media when the Department of Education suggested schools could celebrate it to display patriotism for Britain and made people accuse the organisers of seeming ‘fascist’ or at the very least ‘Brexitish’.

Anyway, today is the day schools are meant to sing it and think about how great Britain is, for whatever reason. But we thought the lyrics, written by well-meaning children in Bradford, could do with a bit of reworking.

So we gave it a go:

We are Britain and we have one dream,

To unite all people in one great team (but two metres apart please)

We are Britain and we have one dream,

To unite all people, but only on a points based scheme

Our nation survived through many storms and many wars

We’ve opened our doors, and widened our island’s shores (to the Delta variant)

We celebrate our differences with cynicism in our hearts

United forever, never apart (except from the EU)

We are Britain and we have one dream,

To divide all people across a culture war stream

We are Britain and we have one dream,

To unite all people, against the BBC

So many different races, standing in the same place

But dominated by white faces, moving at the same pace

We all stand together talking about the weather

Slagging off Boris Johnson, but voting him out? Never

We are Britain and we have one dream,

To finally get two doses of our f*****g vaccines

We are Britain and we have one dream,

To unite all people, when Love Island’s on TV

Strong Britain, great nation,

strong Britain, great nation,

sleaze Britain, so tasteless

strong Britain, great na-a-tion.

Don’t worry – we won’t be handing in our notices to become songwriters anytime soon.