I’ve been thinking a lot about cheating – but it's not what you think

I’ve been thinking a lot about cheating recently, and not in the way you’re imagining.

I’m not talking about trying it – or the obvious betrayals, the kind of secret that makes headlines; I mean the concept of cheating itself. Why it happens. Why it still feels so common. And why, despite living in an era where monogamy feels more like a choice rather than a given, so many people are breaking the basic rules of respect and honesty rather than openly rewriting them.

Full disclosure: I’m single, which admittedly makes this reflection feel a little dangerous – but also necessary.

Growing up, I devoured rom-coms and fairytale endings, the kind that make romance seem tidy, loyal, and cinematic. But over time, and with enough real-world experience and friends' dating debriefs in group chats, it’s become impossible to ignore how messy love (and people) can be. How easily trust can fracture. How many stories aren’t about happily ever after, but about disappointment, desire, and unmet needs.

And it turns out this isn’t just anecdotal chaos or group chat folklore because the numbers are striking.

In the UK, around one in five adults admits to having had an affair at some point. In the US, research shows roughly 10 per cent of adults say they’ve cheated on their current partner between 1960 and 2021. Add to that a modern twist: sexting, dodgy Reddit forums, Snapchat sneakiness, OnlyFans subscriptions, and even AI companions – many people consider these forms of infidelity, and technology is only making the lines blurrier.

And yet, open relationships and polyamory are becoming increasingly visible, some may argue even aspirational.

In fact, there are dedicated platforms for these types of relationships with millennials making up 38.2 per cent of users. Couples are quietly redefining what commitment looks like, swapping exclusivity for honesty and curiosity. Relationships today exist on a spectrum, and each comes with its own expectations, boundaries, and unspoken rules.

To put it simply, the dating landscape now looks something like this:

• Monogamy: The traditional 'just us two' model. Emotional and sexual exclusivity with one partner. Still the social default, but increasingly questioned.
• Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM): Any relationship that allows more than one romantic or sexual connection, with full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
• Open Relationship: Usually a committed couple who remain emotionally exclusive but allow sexual experiences with others. Communication and boundaries are key.
• Polyamory: Having multiple romantic (and sometimes sexual) relationships at the same time, based on honesty and consent. It’s about emotional depth with more than one person.
• Swinging: Couples who engage in sexual activity with others together, often in social or party settings. Usually more recreational than emotional.
• Relationship Anarchy: Rejects the hierarchy of traditional relationships altogether. No default rules — each connection is defined individually.

Despite all this flexibility, monogamy remains the social default – and it’s where most of the quiet damage still seems to happen. So what’s actually going on beneath all of this mess?

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Dr Lucy Viney, clinical psychologist and co-founder of the Fitzrovia Psychology Clinic, has some thoughts on why all this cheating chaos persists. She tells me that these high infidelity rates aren’t about people suddenly discovering alternative relationship structures – they’re about unmet needs.

“From a clinical standpoint, high infidelity rates are less about the availability of alternative relationship structures and can rather represent unmet needs – emotional, sexual, or psychological – that are not communicated or addressed,” she tells Indy100.

Even when ethical non-monogamy is more visible culturally, Dr Viney points out that it still takes work. It’s about "self-awareness of one’s desires, clear communication and comfort with conflict and negotiation."

Translation: Many of us bottle things up that could be talked about, and then wonder why disaster strikes.

Cheating usually comes from a cocktail of personal and relationship issues, but that doesn’t make it acceptable in monogamy. Dr Viney highlights "unmet emotional needs, sexual dissatisfaction, insecurity, or thrill-seeking," and adds that "clinically, emotional disconnection tends to be the most common contributor".

Avoidance is a huge part of the problem; talking about being unhappy or wanting to end the relationship can feel terrifying. Dr Viney notes that this can push some people to act impulsively rather than confront the awkward truth. For some, it comes from past environments where conflict felt unsafe, or where being vulnerable wasn’t allowed.

“As adults, they repeat these avoidance patterns, often leading to secretive behaviour instead of direct communication,” she explains.

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So what do you do if temptation hits? Dr Viney says the first step is to pause. Figure out what need is driving the pull – whether it’s attention, novelty, emotional closeness, or escape – and think about whether it’s coming from you or the relationship. Then, crucially, "communicating openly with one’s partner about the underlying feelings, rather than the impulse itself".

Making space for honesty early on matters. “Couples can make difficult conversations feel safer by cultivating a communication environment where emotions are acknowledged rather than dismissed,” she adds, and “predictable, calm check-ins help normalise talking about needs, frustrations, and desires”.

Despite non-traditional relationship styles becoming more mainstream, they aren't short of stigma – mainly because "cultural conditioning around monogamy remains strong".

That stigma doesn’t just affect how these relationships are perceived; it also shapes whether people feel able to explore alternatives at all, with Dr Viney noting that there are often beliefs that ethical non-monogamy "lacks commitment or emotional depth," and therefore creates fear and misunderstanding.

In monogamous relationships, trust rarely collapses overnight; the warning signs tend to surface long before the betrayal does, but they’re often subtle and easy to miss.

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Some people get “more secretive or emotionally distant, seek validation outside the relationship, or struggle with unresolved insecurities,” she says, while “ongoing conflict, loss of affection, or chronic unmet needs can erode connection and increase vulnerability to outside attachment”.

If betrayal happens, Dr Viney advises stabilising yourself first. “Clinically, the first step is validating and processing the emotional impact – often through support from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional,” she says. She stresses that “it is important to create a sense of immediate emotional safety,” whether that’s space or clarity around contact with an affair partner, and cautions that “decisions about whether to stay or leave the relationship should not be made during the initial crisis period”.

Which brings us back to the uncomfortable truth at the centre of all this.

The paradox is obvious: we know more about relationship options than ever, yet talking about unmet needs still trips many people up. Whether you stick with monogamy, explore ethical non-monogamy, or choose something else entirely, the real challenge isn’t the options, it’s being honest long before anything breaks.

Cheating might feel tempting or thrilling in theory, but the truth is simple: hurting someone should never be on the table. Monogamy can be messy, desire can be complicated, but betrayal is a choice – and it’s a shitty one.

If you find yourself tempted, the work is on you: check yourself, figure out what you need, and have the hard conversations before anyone gets hurt. There are no excuses, no loopholes, and no glamorous shortcuts. Honesty isn’t optional – it’s the bare minimum.

You should also read...

• Polyamory is booming – but it’s not the generation you think driving open relationships
• Is it silent cheating? Expert uncovers the subtle signs of betrayal

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