The British sense of humour is a wonderful thing. But sometimes you have to be British to really understand it...
A couple of these might be a little NSFW, especially number nine.
Jimmy Carr: In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
Ronnie Corbett: A juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch. I said: 'How can you say such a thing?'
Tommy Cooper: I said to the Gym instructor, 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can’t make Tuesdays'.
Sean Hughes: I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.
Wrigleys has launched a new website where you can order chewing gum online. It's called ebuygum.com!
John Bishop: Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.
I said to a Scotsman, 'Did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said, 'Ac ne'.
Mr. Cadbury Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name.'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa. 'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied. He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks as she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got feckin' Allsorts!