Infantino: "Today I feel gay, I feel disabled, I feel a migrant …

Gianni Infantino’s hour-long monologue will go down in World Cup history as one of the most ill-judged pre-tournament speeches ever made.

But imagine if you were an adviser to the FIFA president watching the whole thing unfold in real-time, powerless to stop his stream of own goals?

This is precisely what comedian Michael Spicer has done in the latest of his ‘Room Next Door’ sketches, which see him putting himself in the shoes of a fictional speechwriter to the rich and famous.

In his latest skit, Spicer interrupts Infantino’s alarming spiel about feeling “Qatari”, “gay” and like a “migrant worker”, by asking impatiently: “How many more people do you feel like? Only we’re running out of time here.”

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He then points out: “Despite the fact that you do feel like all of these groups, you still seem to be acting very much like a tone-deaf millionaire president of a corrupt football organisation.”

As Infantino continues, his would-be assistant fumes: “You’re not really making any sense either. All you're doing is being weird and insensitive to all the people that Qatar discriminates against.

“They need some reassurance right now, not some potty cartoon earthworm having an identity crisis.”

When Infantino claims to “know how it feels to be discriminated against,” Spicer hits back sarcastically: “Oh poor you, have your servants been talking about you behind your back again? Has your butler laid out your socks just once too often?”

And when the FIFA boss reveals he was bullied at school for having red hair, Spicer retorts: “Not quite the same as slavery, but OK.”

We then watch as a member of the press asks Infantino why he failed to mention women in his bizarre empathy catalogue. The reporter says: “You started your speech by saying today you feel like a Qatari… You didn’t say that you feel like a woman.”

“What is he, Shania Twain?” an incredulous Spicer asks himself in response, before ranting: “Are you not happy with the fact that he’s humiliated himself about 17 times already today? Is that not good enough for you?”

To the comic’s feigned dismay, Infantino then replies to the journalist: “I forgot. I feel like a woman [...] I’m sorry, I feel like a woman.”

For all you gamers out there, the act has one final plot twist: at the end, Spicer removes a VR headset.

“Every time,” he sighs. “I just cannot get him to read my speech. It’s just an impossible level.”

As he leaves the room the camera cuts to the case of a Playstation game titled ‘FIFA 22 Sports Adviser’.

If only us average joes were able to control the bigwigs at FIFA in real life. Maybe then the games would be hosted in a country that actually respects human rights...

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