In it, she tells viewers that the next time they find themselves in an argument with their partner they should pause, then say: “I want to understand what happened there – what did you hear me say?’”
The qualified sex therapist stresses that this question is key because it achieves two objectives.
“First, it can allow for clarification. Because a lot of times when we become defensive, we’ve interpreted something our partner has said incorrectly,” she explains. “We’ve run it through our own filter, we’ve told ourselves a story about it, it’s triggered something... so we’re not actually hearing what our partner has said.
“The second thing, if your partner did interpret what you said correctly, it gives you the opportunity to slow things down and understand what is happening for them and address the underlying issue, rather than getting caught in a spiral of defensiveness.”