Does anyone even do mistletoe? To be honest, we thought it was an invention of the American TV sitcom industrial complex for the sole purpose of creating dramatic plot points where foreshadowed relationships come to fruition.
While a useful narrative device, when you think about it, it is seriously problematic.
Before you roll your eyes, hear us out.
In an age where presidents think it's fine to "grab women by the pussy" and men habitually whinge about "Me Too going too far", it's perhaps time to rethink so-called traditions that make bypassing consent socially acceptable.
This is especially relevant in offices. Yes, apparently there are actual workplaces which hang mistletoe with the intention (presumably) of allowing employees to force kisses upon each other.
A recent survey by Gingercomms has shown that 74 per cent of workers wouldn't dream of doing this, which is great news... unless you happen to find yourself under the mistletoe with someone in the remaining quarter of the workforce.
Not to mention the fact that the whole supposed mythology around it stems from the white berries reminding dudes in Ancient Greece of semen so... yeah. There's that.
Look, you don't need to take our word for this. SNL writer, comedian and now-crowned 'Wokest Privileged Straight White Man Of Them All' John Mulaney agrees.
Appearing on The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon yesterday, Mulaney was given a list of Christmas-related things to share his thoughts on. When mistletoe came up, he had this to say:
If any decoration needs to be Me Too'd, the mistletoe is... this is the most... who the hell?!
He could have stopped there and that would have made the perfect point, but he continued:
Like, in what world ... Walking through a doorway with another person – weird enough. I don't need this perverted garnish over the door.
Hard, hard agree on this one. Please cancel mistletoe, like, yesterday.
And before you say wokeness is ruining your Christmas, here's a little convenient list of "festive" stuff which doesn't encourage sexual assault for you to hang up instead: holly, tinsel, acorns, wreaths, tiny Christmas trees, Santa figurines, elves, and, if you want to get really ironic with it, snowflakes might be a nice touch. You're welcome.