No, a marine didn't use a raccoon to fool a breathalyser test and then get attacked for his trouble

A story about a drunk sailor and a raccoon that was doing the rounds on the internet yesterday was, sadly, definitely too good to be true.

A supposed police report uploaded to Imgur chronicled the misadventures of a drunk officer at Camp Pendelton navy base in San Diego, California, who was too wasted to bypass the breathalyser locking system on his car.

On September 15th our intrepid (fictional) navy officer hit upon the brainwave of using a handy nearby raccoon to fool the system, which worked. Apparently the raccoon "became unconscious from being squeezed", so the sailor chucked him on the floor of the car, effectively raccoon-napping the unfortunate creature.

When the abused raccoon woke up it promptly sought revenge, attacking the sailor and causing him to crash into a fence and then a swimming pool.

According to the report - which has an illuminati symbol watermarked onto the background (hm...) - the man was booked for "abuse of a public animal" and "drunk and reckless driving".

And thus, a story was born that the internet and many news outlets went wild over.

One of the best incident reports I've ever read

When the story was chased up by local news, a spokesperson for Camp Pendleton clarified that no such incident had taken place.

I called police records, and while they were highly entertained, they confirmed [the story] is absolutely a hoax.

Now we know. And knowing is half the battle.

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