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Warning: Post contains swear words and adult themes.
All comedy is subjective, so that headline is bollocks.
Let's rephrase it.
We've had a quick scout around the internet for the best one-liners we could find and these were the ones that made us chortle. God knows we could all do with a laugh.
We hope they do the same for you.
1.
My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
- Joe Bor
2.
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
- Mark Nelson
3.
I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward.
- Tom Stade
4.
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. ' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
- Tommy Cooper
5.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.
- Jimmy Carr
6.
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray
7.
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.
- Stewart Francis
8.
My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.
- Fin Taylor
9.
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'.
- Paddy Lennox
10.
For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved.
- Sara Pascoe
11.
I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.
- Stephen Grant
12.
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
- Nick Helm
13.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
- Tommy Cooper
14.
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.
- Rob Auton
15.
I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy.
- Rebecca Humphries
16.
The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.
- Jonny Lennard
17.
If I discovered a new animal I’d call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians.
- Jim Campbell
18.
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought 'That's a turtle disaster'.
- Tommy Cooper
19.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
- Tim Vine
20.
Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?
- Dan Antolpolski
21.
You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
- Sara Pascoe
22.
My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.
- Mark Watson
23.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
- Tommy Cooper
24.
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
- Stewart Francis
25.
The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘AAAAH, I’ve used too much!!'
- Andrew Bird
26.
I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Rodney Dangerfield
27.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.
– Zach Galifianakis
28.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
– Tommy Cooper
29.
My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart
- Masai Graham
30.
I met a painter who only paints using Japanese rice wine, but it was just saké for art’s sake.
- Phil Mann
31.
This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’
- Tim Vine
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