It’s really hard to survive April Fool’s Day, but among the tricks, tales, trials and tribulations, some real news lurks.
Only, it would be better if most of it weren’t true.
Here are some of today’s stories that we wish were part of April Fool's; from the depressing, to the weird, to the downright unbelievable.
1. Spaghetti doughnuts
That’s right – spaghetti has taken over the world of doughy deserts; an Italians' worst nightmare is coming to Brooklyn.
Its resemblance to doughnuts seems to extend no further than the shape, though. Its made up of eggs, cheese and pasta, baked and moulded into a solid doughnut shape, complete with hole. Let's just say Homer Simpson would be very confused.
2. High heels for babies
Pee Wee Pumps sounds like a contraption found inconspicuously sitting on the top shelf at the back of a sex toy shop. But it’s actually an American company, who is selling a collection of high heels for children and babies. If that sounds confusing enough, the company says the shoes aren’t meant to be walked in, but are just to make parents smile.
3. Robots are taking over
Robots fetching us our slippers sounds quite fun, but the reality of an automated future might not be quite so simple.
A new paper, by researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and Boston University, reveals that, between 1990 and 2007, each industrial robot added per thousand workers resulted in six people’s job losses.
4. A coffee shop owner has been accused of endorsing violence
Political correctness has hit new levels of crazy. A Pittsburgh coffee shop has been attacked for adding a pinch of political satire to people’s morning lattes. The shop’s loyalty cards feature the faces of 10 Conservative politicians’ faces. But critics say when the hole is punched, it looks like they’ve been attacked. Not the coffee shop's intention, of course.
5. Brexit is inspiring other countries
Anti-EU sentiment is growing in Sweden and there may be a EU referendum there in the next two years. That's according to Peter Lundgren, from the right-wing Sweden Democrats, who are leading in opinion polls. Lundgren told the Express if he wins power in next year’s general election, he plans to put Sweden’s EU membership to a public vote.
6. Pescetarians - stop what you're doing
Bad news for anyone who forgoes meat but eats fish because, well, fish don’t have feelings, right? But fish are sentient animals who form friendships, experience emotions and have individual personalities, according to Dr Penny Hawkins, head of the RSPCA’s research animals department. Fish seek “fish friendships,” she says. Who else is weeping into their tuna sandwiches right now?
7. London's rental market just got a whole load more desperate
A room has been advertised in Fulham for just £575 per month – but there’s a catch. The bed hangs from the ceiling by chains. Honestly. Just when you thought London’s renting mess couldn’t get any worse.
8. Brexit fever continues
A much-loved shop worker from Kentish Town has lived in Britain for 27 years. But 53-year-old Stojan Janovic, from the Republic of Yugoslavia, has just been detained by immigration officers and faces deportation within days, the Camden News Journal reports.