Who won this week’s PMQs? We’ve scored Boris Johnson and Keir Starmer as parliament returns from recess

On the first day back at school after a long summer holiday, children can barely remember how to read. Writing the day’s date requires a 20 minute nap and the 8 times table becomes Einsteinian in complexity.

So how Boris Johnson and Keir Starmer must have felt today as they faced each other in the House of Commons – to be scrutinised and scrutinise, to aggrandise and to dispirit – for the first time in weeks after their very own summer recess, we can only imagine.

Yet today they indeed returned, either refreshed from their break or in need of much more time in the sun, and shouted at each other about the government’s recent tax increases to pay for health and social care, cuts to Universal Credit, and more.

Who’s been keeping up with their homework and who spent the break playing video games? Let’s find out:

“We’re taking the tough decisions that the country wants to see,” Johnson, 0/10

Johnson clearly hasn’t come up with any new catchphrases while he was away. Straight off the bat he chirruped the tired line out on auto-pilot, after Starmer questioned whether people would need to sell their homes to pay for increased costs to social care.

“After decades of inertia and inactivity, what would he do?” Johnson, 6/10

The Prime Minister, however, cannot be faulted for his lyrical rhetoric when he gets it right. And he even had a fair point. Starmer is frequently criticised for appearing somewhat thin on policy when he criticises the government. Batting a question back at him, then, was a clever move.

“My plan is to ensure that those with the broadest shoulders pay their fair share,” Starmer, 7/10

Except Starmer did have an answer ready and a pretty clear one that is likely to resonate with the electorate more than the technicalities and confusing National Insurance changes will.

“I’ve been scouring the records for evidence of the Labour plan and I’ve found it...” Johnson, 1/10

Johnson said that, in 2018, Labour backed increasing National Insurance contributions. Gotcha.

In response, Starmer revealed he had also done some digging and said that Johnson had said National Insurance was regressive in 2002. “I wonder what happened to him,” he said. Gotcha right back!

One of the worst things about politics (and there are many) are politicians wasting time “holding each other to account” by throwing crumbs of evidence that suggest they, in 20 year periods, have had the audacity to change their mind about policies in wholly different political contexts. It destroys the nuance of governance and lends them all gravitas of two people playing chess, rather than the MMA fighters they may like to be seen as. Snooze all round.

“Out of that minestrone of nonsense, has floated a crouton of fact, he is going to vote against the measures tonight,” Johnson, 0/10

Does Boris Johnson need his lunch break?

“Vote Labour, wait longer,” Johnson, 1/10

Ah. Johnson clearly has come up with a new slogan while on his holibobs. His pride was visible as he yelled it out almost without context and we just know we are going to be hearing it every week for the next couple of years and we really wish we wouldn’t.

“This is a government that underfunded the NHS for a decade, before the pandemic, took £8 million out of social care, before the pandemic then wasted billions of pounds of taxpayers money on dodgy contracts, vanity projects and giveaways to their mates... now they are telling millions of working people that they need to cough up more tax... isn’t this the same old Tory party always putting their rich mates and donors before working people?” Starmer, 9/10

Ahead of his last question, Starmer told a story about someone named Rosie who had got in touch with him with concerns that the Universal Credit cut and National Insurance hike would severely impact her. Humanising the wonky tax debate left the house silent, for once, and with ears and eyes on him, Starmer then delivered a searing take down of Johnson’s government and ended with a key message to let viewers know that Labour wants to take the side of working people.

In response, Johnson babbled in a flustered way about how the economy is growing before flinging his usual favourite catchphrases (”Captain Hindsight”, “Starmer loves the EU”, “we are taking tough decisions”, “something about vaccines”) like a broken soundboard.

The verdict

Johnson and Starmer clearly need to warm up after recess before they will be much use in Parliament. Much of the chat was boring, technical, and a repeat of the debate seen in the chamber yesterday.

Indeed, what stood out more than the two leaders was a jeering and noisy house who Sir Lindsay Hoyle had to calm down multiple times, like a parent dealing with their Haribo-fuelled child. The representatives of the people, everyone.

Despite this, Starmer was less impassioned and forensic than he usually is and seemed in need of a coffee. Johnson, on the other hand, pinged about like a Duracell bunny and had a lot of the house on side, despite saying things of little substance.

PMQs is a lot about style over substance and what that says about the nature of the establishment is a matter for another day.

Nevertheless, it is what it is and this means Johnson takes the win.