White House announces end to 'war' people admit they ‘never even knew about’

While the White House insists it is not at war with Venezuela (after launching military strikes on the country and ‘capturing’ its president Nicolás Maduro earlier this month), the Trump administration has announced the end of a “war on protein” – a war many people didn’t even know the president and his team were fighting.

The news, shared in a White House social media post on Sunday, pertains to health secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr and agriculture secretary Brooke Rollins’ recent revision to the food pyramid (it’s now inverted), and the release of new ‘dietary guidelines for Americans’ they described as “the most significant reset of federal nutrition policy in our nation’s history”.

“The message is simple: eat real food,” the guidelines read.

And in a statement issued on Wednesday (7 January), RFK Jr said the policy document “returns [America] to the basics”.

He continued: “American households must prioritize whole, nutrient-dense foods – protein, dairy, vegetables, fruits, healthy fats, and whole grains – and dramatically reduce highly processed foods. This is how we Make America Healthy Again.”

The Department of Health and Human Services press release states the guidelines emphasise the prioritisation of protein “at every meal”.

However, X/Twitter users have been left baffled by talk of a “war on protein”, with journalist David Leavitt simply tweeting: “Wtf are you talking about?”:

The Atlantic writer Thomas Chatterton Williams commented that the US is “involved in conflicts I never even knew about”:

“I can’t believe I missed an entire war,” replied Canadian YouTuber J. J. McCullough:

Political commentator Micah Erfan asked: “Who the hell was waging a war on protein???”:

And John Iadarola, of The Damage Report podcast, claimed “they’ve found a war faker than the one on Christmas”:

Alongside a war on protein, the Trump administration has previously declared war on showers.

Yes, showers…

We wish we were joking.

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