It turns out telling a doctor that "I just fell on the ketchup bottle and it got stuck right up there" does not fool them one bit.
People claiming to be medical professionals have anonymously taken to Reddit to disclose some of the most bizarre excuses patients have given them for sexual mishaps and injuries over the years.
Here are nine of the best:
1. A guy claimed to have a stick 'stuck' in his urethra
He claimed that the reason a stick was in his urethra was because he put it there to help maintain his erection but then he 'lost it'. After several physical exams by multiple professionals, an x-ray was taken of his pelvis and penis (my job). Turned out to be negative. Doc ordered an ultrasound of bladder and penis. Also negative. The physician came to the conclusion if the patient could urinate then he was fine to leave so they asked for a urine sample. The nurse gave the guy his cup and left the room. When she came back, in the urine sample was an obviously planted stick. It was far too awkwardly shaped to have ever been inserted. And if it was, no way it would pop out with urination.
2. One guy showed up with a carrot lodged in his rectum
He suggested it may have been because he ate carrot soup two days before...
3. A teenager turned up complaining that he could not urinate
I take him to an examination room and ask him to drop his pants, and to my utter surprise I see two iPhone ear buds sticking out of his penis! His story was that he was sleeping naked while listening to music and his ear buds must have fallen out.
4. One woman came to the emergency room with a sex toy in her rectum with a tail attached
She said she'd been "dressing up for a kid's birthday party and her costume got stuck"
5. A man arrived at hospital with a plastic Easter egg lodged in his rectum
He reportedly told staff: "I wanted to know what it's like to be a chicken."
6. A man turned up with a pair of scissors stuck on his penis
He said he fell asleep while doing arts and crafts...
7. Man turns up with a vacuum hose stuck on his penis...
He arrived wearing a sweater, shoes and a blanket and insisted that he had been instructed to clean his house while nude because of his dust allergy.
While vacuuming, the man had become (his words), 'inexplicably fatigued' and took an impromptu nap with the hoover still running. At this time, his penis must have flopped into the vacuum hose. His arousal was, he insisted, involuntary.
The hose was finally cut off with a surgical rotary saw.
8. Guy walks in with a garden gnome ("quite a little one, but still") wedged in his rectum
He blamed an "elaborate fall from a ladder"
9. Guy walks in with an aluminium vacuum cleaner nozzle in his rectum
You would expect that this would be extremely dangerous, but conveniently this dude stored said cleaning appliance with a couple of tube socks and a latex condom covering the top of it.
He said he was changing a light bulb in his closet (naked of course)...