Nadine Dorries says the only way Boris would lose her support is ...
CNN

Warning: this article contains some NSFW material.

Alongside her stint on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here and giving several awkward interviews on national television, culture secretary Nadine Dorries also happens to be an author, with more than 2.5 million book sales to her name – according to her publisher.

During her time as an author, extracts from her books have included lines such as “no one in their right mind ever had a bad word to say about a potato” and “one of our own has been murdered in a graveyard, had his dick hacked off and fed to a cat”.

Now, one comedian, Sooz Kempner, who has previously imitated Dorries, has taken to Twitter to parody Ms Dorries with a (fake) erotic novel of her own, titled His Front Bench Woman.

“She poured her fabulous curves into the front bench where she was minister for fashion and classiness, and awaited the arrival of the prime minister like everybody else – apart from the drug heads of Labour and the nationalistics of the SNP and the four Lib Dems and the Green lady and most of the Conservative backbench,” began Ms Kempner, sporting a white wig, a cigarette and a book with a page with a phallus on it clearly visible.

She then moved on to the start of Prime Minister’s Questions – the subject of the third chapter of the fictional book – where a familiar-sounding Fear Calmer asked the PM if he would “kick a dog”.

The line references comments made by Ms Dorries to CNN earlier this week when she said “if [Boris Johnson] went up and kicked a dog, I would probably withdraw my support of him”.

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Ms Kempner continued: “I’d like to tell the right honourable gentleman that I would never kick a dog, unlike you, Captain Dog S***e’, hit back the prime minister, leaving former QC Lord Calmer totally flustered and dropping his notes like a d***.

“Naomi felt a quiver in a cervical region at this victory.”

The content creator then referenced another fictional-but-familiar politician – Terina June – who had “recently become a hero to the centrists by dragging the prime minister on live TV”.

“Naomi hissed at Terina, but Terina couldn’t hiss back because she was wearing a mask.

“Naomi had just covered Terina in Covid and it felt fantastic,” Ms Kempner’s character went on to add, before concluding that the fake protagonist, Naomi Forrest, “couldn’t wait to welcome him into her rear office later”.

Ms Dorries is yet to respond publicly to the video.

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