Dogs, so we’re told, are a man’s best friend – celebrated for their affection and warmth.
So what do you do when you find yourself with a less… cuddly pooch, but want to find it a good home?
That’s what the foster owner to a two-year-old Chihuahua called Prancer did, in a Facebook post that has blown up on social media.
Tyfanee Fortuna shared photos and videos of the pup on Wednesday, admitting: “I’ve tried for the last several months to post this dog for adoption and make him sound... palatable.”
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She continued: “The problem is, he’s just not. There’s not a very big market for neurotic, man hating, animal hating, children hating dogs that look like gremlins. But I have to believe there’s someone out there for Prancer, because I am tired and so is my family. Every day we live in the grips of the demonic Chihuahua hellscape he has created in our home.”
Fortuna said fellow Chihuahua owners would empathise with her predicament, describing Prancer as embodying the “Chihuahua meme that describes them as being 50 per cent hate and 50 per cent tremble.”
“If you’re intrigued and horrified at how this animal sounds already, just wait.... there’s more,” she added. “Prancer came to me obese, wearing a cashmere sweater, with a bacon egg n cheese stuffed in his crate with him. I should have known in that moment this dog would be a problem.”
She explained that Prancer’s previous owner was an elderly woman who “treated him like he was a human and didn’t socialize him,” thereby transforming him into a “neurotic mess”.
Describing his arrival in her household, she said: “His first week he was too terrified to have a personality. As awful as it sounds, I kind of liked him better that way. He was quiet, and just laid on the couch. Didn’t bother anyone. I was excited to see him come out of his shell and become a real dog.
“I am convinced at this point he is not a real dog, but more like a vessel for a traumatized Victorian child that now haunts our home.”
The two-year-old also has a very specific taste in humans: he only likes women.
So “if you have a husband, don’t bother applying, unless you hate him,” Fortuna warned.
She continued: “We also mentioned no kids for Prancer. I think at this point, you can imagine why.
“He’s never been in the presence of a child, but I can already imagine the demonic noises and shaking fury that would erupt from his body if he was. Prancer wants to be your only child.”
He also hates other animals, obviously.
Despite cataloguing Prancer’s less desirable quirks, Fortuna admitted that he does has some good traits, including his loyalty.
“He likes to go for car rides, he is housebroken, he knows a few basic commands, he is quiet and non destructive when left alone at home, and even though we call him bologna face he is kind of cute to look at. He also ‘smiles’ when he is excited," she said.
Wrapping up her… unusual sell, Fortuna acknowledged “finding someone who wants a Chucky doll in a dogs body is hard, but I have to try.”
“If you’ve always wanted your own haunted Victorian child in the body of a small dog that hates men and children, please email [email protected],” she ended the post.
“Oh, also he’s only two years old and will probably live to be 21 through pure spite, so take that into account if you’re interested.”
Prancer is available for adoption through Second Chance Pet Adoption League, in Morris Plains, New Jersey.
A representative for the agency told TODAY that, despite Fortuna’s colourful description, they have received a number of inquiries about the feisty Chihuahua.
“We have had lots of lovely well-meaning people inquiring, and we hope that every one of them goes to their local shelter or rescue and opens their home to a needy dog like Prancer... well maybe not just like Prancer, but there are so many homeless dogs in need,” she wrote.
Scores of social media users have shared Fortuna’s post as, remarkably, her brutal description melted countless readers’ hearts:
Meanwhile, others praised Fortuna for her writing abilities, with one describing the advert as “pure poetry.”