Pilot spots 'f**k Boris' mowed into farmers lawn
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Boris Johnson has finally shuffled out of office. Thank goodness for that.

The PM resigned earlier this summer after his handling of the Chris Pincher scandal opened the floodgates to 54 resignations from members of his government, including Rishi Sunak and Sajid Javid, meaning he no longer had enough support from his party to go on.

He stayed on for a few weeks, wasting time by going on holiday and ignoring the looming energy crisis, and now he must decide what is next for him.

He hasn't ruled out a return to high office but we can't imagine the arrogant figure returning to the backbenches with his tail between his legs, so a life outside politics is probably the one for Johnson.

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So here are a few ideas and pieces of career advice. You’re welcome, (former) prime minister.


1. Brand ambassador for Peppa Pig World

Given the PM’s love for the attraction, it seems he would be a noble choice to rep all things Peppa Pig World now he is no longer PM.

Just as people from Love Island become fast fashion influencers, there should be a clear path for former PMs to get into children’s entertainment.

via REUTERS


2. Grand Designs host

The Electoral Commission last year fined the Tory party over funding Boris Johnson’s flat refurbishment.

But despite all that dodgy funding, when the refurb was reported at the time in April 2021, people were mostly shocked to learn of expensive gold wallpaper and lots of other tat adorning the flat, rescuing it from its days of being a “John Lewis nightmare”.

Johnson clearly has some wacky interior design ideas, so where better to put them in action than Grand Designs?


3. Painter

Or instead of delegating, he could get involved with redecoration himself and become a painter. In October 2021 he was spotted on holiday with his paintbrushes out so he clearly is one arty man.

Britain's PM Johnson and Home Secretary Patel visit HideOut Youth Zone in ManchesterREUTERS


4. Athlete

When he’s not painting, Johnson has been spotted a few times out and about going for a run in entirely inappropriate clothes. And if he manages to, for instance, pelt it down the streets of Manchester in dress shoes, he must be pretty good at it.

One to watch for the next Olympics... Maybe.


5. Write a book

He’s already written a fair few books, but it seems disgraced politicians have become rather fond of locking themselves in their studies and begging Penguin for a meeting recently if this guy is anything to go by.

Time for Johnson to do the same.

Suggested title: The Johnson Years: How I lost Public Trust with Parties and Sleaze allegations


6. Advertising

Everyone knows Johnson loves a slogan, bless him. He first became obsessed with three word comms strategies with 'Get Brexit Done', then frothed at the mouth over variations of 'Build Back Better'. He then said 'Get Boosted Now' to everyone who would listen during the coronavirus pandemic so it is clear Johnson would make a pretty good Mad Men era ads man, able to flog just about anything to the public. Like:

Toothpaste: 'Get Plaque Gone.'

Pubs: 'Get P***** Now.'

He’ll be a natural.


7. Professional apologiser

Given how many times Johnson has had to apologise in the last few months - over Pincher, Partygate and more - he has honed his skills and therefore people should really be able to whack him a tenner to do their dirty work for them.


8. Stuntman

He resigned but he managed to cling onto power for absolutely ages despite everything that was thrown at him. This is a man good at dodging death, then. Becoming a stuntman makes perfect sense.


9. Cameo maker

Failed politician Nigel Farage flogs videos on Cameo for "fans" and pranksters. Johnson recently joined TikTok so knows his way around selfie mode so maybe he should do the same?


10. Kettle salesman

Johnson recently more than made the case for Big Kettle when he told people to get new ones to save a whopping annual £10 on their energy bills.

He is just great at speaking hot air about hot water.

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