Rishi Sunak reveals McDonald's order
Indy

We knew we would be writing this weeks ago, to be honest, but now it is actually true - Rishi Sunak has lost the Tory leadership contest. Liz Truss has won it. She is now our prime minister. Yikes.

What a Truss premiership means for the country is one question, and we'll no doubt soon see what she has in store, but in the meantime, we can't help feeling sorry (kinda) for the man in second place.

After all, second place is first loser so what can Sunak do now? Return to the backbenches? Hope to get a spot in Truss's cabinet? It all looks a bit embarrassing.

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But Sunak need not despair, there are loads of other things he can do instead of, you know, leading the country.

Here they are:

1. Open a pharmacy

We're not sure if you'd know this, he really hasn't made much of it at all (not) but Sunak's parents ran a pharmacy. He goes on about this in a weak attempt to seem relatable, despite now being stonking rich.

If he loved his mother's pharmacy so much, maybe he should use some of his stacks of cash to open a new one now he's lost his chance at being PM.


2. Live in the US

Sunak had a green card until last year and has spent a lot of time in the US. He was even criticised for going on a trip during one of the many times the energy crisis heated up and he even has lavish property there.

People have suggested the US might be calling for Sunak but he has rebuffed such suggestions.

You never know though - we could see him lounging around on the west coast someday soon.


3. Become a waiter

During the pandemic, Sunak promoted his Eat Out to Help Out policy by doing what he likes best - taking a silly photo. He was papped in Wagamama serving food that we are sure he has never eaten in his life.

Maybe he impressed the management at the food chain enough to get a full-time job there?


4. Learn how to spell

During his leadership campaign, Sunak appeared in front of a sign with an embarrassing typo and was promptly roasted. And in October last year, he made a similar clanger when he posted a photo of himself on Twitter preparing for his Conservative Party conference speech.

“Practise makes perfect” he announced. It should be, of course, "practice".


5. Become a rapper

It was recently reported that Sunak rapped to his aides which sounds incredibly embarrassing for all concerned but who are we to judge?

Maybe he is really good at rapping and has a fresh career in him. We can see it now, Richy $unak headlining at Glastonbury 2023. Not.


6. Collab with Ricky Gervais

Sunak has had some real David Brent moments in his career. From his reaction to finding out he had made the final two in the Tory leadership contest, to trying to speak Welsh, it has been uncanny.

So, why not collab with the comedian who created the character, Gervais, and make a new show? We know we would tune in...


7. Make some working class friends

An awkward clip of a young Sunak admitting he didn't have working class friends resurfaced during his campaign and led to people thinking he was thoroughly out of touch.

Now he has more time on his hands, Sunak can finally widen his social circle and meet some of the hoi polloi he wanted to lead.

8. Become a Peloton instructor

Sunak has been criticised for being out of touch because he has an expensive Peloton bike which he uses to exercise. Leave him alone, the man deserves to get his blood pumping just like the rest of us. Yes, some of us may go to the gym to use bikes warm from the arses off previous cyclists, but we are not all Sunak and if you can afford a swanky Peloton, go for it.

But we think he should go one step further with his passion and become a Peloton instructor so those using the bikes can hear the former chancellor scream "work harder" at them, which is all very Tory when you think about it.


9. Learn how to use a contactless card

While promoting fuel policies in the spring, Sunak was filmed grappling with an everyday item - the contactless debit card. The then chancellor poked it at a screen rather than a card machine at a petrol station, and people despaired that he was in charge of the country's finances.

He later admitted he had no idea what he was doing, so it is time for him to work out just how it works.

10. Learn basic geography

Sunak has come up against the challenges of the map a couple of times in his career. During the leadership contest, he appeared to suggest Darlington was in Scotland and he previously left people cringing when mixed up the names of two northern towns on live tv.

Time for Sunak to get his head down and learn.

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